Getting out of debt and changing your financial situation requires more than smart money management. It requires stamina and commitment. One of the best ways to sustain a commitment to change is to focus on what you have to gain. Why do you want a different financial situation? What would you do or be if money was no object?
An analogy might help you understand this better. Liken getting out of debt to losing weight. If you want to lose 20 pounds, which would motivate you more: a focus on giving up your favorite unhealthy treats or the new swimsuit you want to fit into on an upcoming family vacation?
Don’t Focus on What You’re Giving Up
“Ok self, you need to trim down 20 pounds so remember, you won’t be eating chocolate, bacon or cheeseburgers for quite some time.” As 3:00 pm approaches, you get the munchies at your desk and think, “Oh, no more chocolate from the vending machine for me. I’m done with chocolate. I don’t eat chocolate anymore.”
You get the idea. Your internal dialogue and focus is on what you are giving up to bring about change. In essence, you rehearse and replay the price you’ll pay for change again and again and again.
Or, listen to this internal dialogue and see if you can hear the difference.
Focus on What You’re Going to Gain
“Ok self, you need to trim down 20 pounds because this winter when you hit the beach with the family you want to wear a swimsuit in public. It’ll be fun to make sand castles with the kids, to enjoy family time and not be self conscious or worried about your appearance.” As 3:00 pm approaches and you get the munchies at your desk, you get up and walk over to the vending machine to get a candy bar and see your new swimsuit hanging from the front of the machine. “Oh yeah, I am foregoing candy right now because fitting into that swimsuit is more important to me.”
You get the idea. Your internal dialogue and focus are on what you have to gain long-term by making different short-term choices. You keep the end result you want to achieve squarely before you.
Alright, so it’s decision time. Which focus point is more likely to give you the staying power you need to make healthier food choices day after day for the next 6 months? Clearly, the second scenario will keep you committed and engaged longer than the first.
Begin With the End in Mind
Stephen Covey, in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, goes so far as to say that one critical habits is to begin with the end in mind. It’s important to have a crystal clear picture of the ultimate goal since, as Covey says, “…all things are created twice. There’s a mental or first creation, and a physical or second creation to all things.”
As I’ve shared before, Michael Beer, a Harvard professor, says that change only comes when a number of things are in place, including a clear vision of how things could be different. Without a new, different future in mind, experts agree that change will not happen.
A Point of Agreement in Your Marriage
There’s an interesting secondary benefit to articulating your dream and reason for wanting to make lasting change in your finances. It is a point of agreement between you and your spouse, or anyone else involved in your finances (like teenage kids, maybe). If you’ve been married for more than 2 days you likely know that money can be a contentious issue in marriage. One spouse can fall into the role of the spending police, that authorizes or denies each expense that the other spouse suggests. In that arrangement no one is satisfied and frustration mounts (ask me how I know – I have been the spending police and it is a crummy job).
Although it isn’t a cure-all, agreeing on what the family unit as a whole will gain by getting out of debt is a first baby step to resolving money conflict in marriage.
I know this to be the case, based on my own experience. My husband and I have had our share of money-related disagreements. However, when we agreed that we want to move to Brazil one day things started to change. We knew that our debt was separating us from that dream, since Brazil is a cash-based society and we would need a significant amount of cash-in-hand to enable a move. From that day until this, regardless of the specific spending or saving decision at hand, we know we share a common goal and that orients our thinking and conversation. (By the way, I have no idea when we will move to Brazil and am not planning to stop Pocket Your Dollars anytime in the foreseeable future, so no need to ask me about it or worry about it).
For us, believing the best of each other by trusting our commitment to the same goal, even when we see different paths for arriving, diffused a lot of tension. Subtle thoughts like, “he is undermining our financial future with that decision” or “she is working as hard to sink the boat as I am to provide” are replaced by a confident trust that each partner is fully committed to the end goal.
What’s Your Dream?
Moving overseas is probably not your dream, but what is? To quit being physically ill because of financial stress? To avoid foreclosure and losing everything? To retire to a cabin on a quiet lake one day? To start your own business? To become a stay at home parent? Put your kids through college? The options are endless.
I implore you, spend the time it takes and invest the energy to articulate your family’s dream. It isn’t a superfluous exercise, but foundational to getting out of debt. I’m telling you that from that point forward, expenses that seemed important a few days ago, will pale in the light of what you’d gain by committing to live within your means, then making and living a balanced life plan.
Next Steps
Naming a dream isn’t a magic cure for eliminating debt and transforming your personal finances. It is the first decision of many that, taken together, change the very course of your life. Next time we’ll talk about some other decisions you’ll need to make if you are serious about getting out of debt.
Your turn: What is your dream?
**Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. Read Pocket Your Dollars’ disclosure statement for more information.
About Carrie Rocha
Carrie, I love your article.
I have found that the one weakness I have left is wanting to spend money on educational needs of our kids. I desperately want our daughter to be able to start piano lessons this fall. We are out of commercial debt (just mortgage and school loan left), and we are committed to using one income for necessities as I have had some chronic health issues. We even have some cash in the bank. However, things like piano might dig into that savings. We also have a situation where that same child is profoundly gifted in math; it is REALLY hard to not spend on math classes for her, especially as she will qualify to go the U of M next year. Now that, I might be willing to work part time for.
I really wish we could find a way to barter things like music lessons.
Thanks for all your wonderful tips! We have cut our grocery budget by over $500 a month since following your site!
-Julie
Last I checked Craigslist had a “Barter” section where people commonly trade things like room painting for things like piano lessons.
Like Julie stated above, awesome article and I like that you put it in different perspectives.
I’m all for putting more money into savings….but get tempted by things I really don’t need (morning latte’s, salon colored hair) and need to focus not just on the big picture, but break it down on a more manageable level. And look for other “out of the box” cost savings in every day life.
Carrie, what an excellent post. I think this can apply to people that are already out of debt, too (as Eli and I are except for our house). We need to figure out our dream so that we can be motivated to better manage our money through budgeting, investments…really just being more thoughtful with our money.
This post makes me wonder how others manage their finances in their marriage.
Currently we manage ours by me doing everything to do with finances. Now my husband’s uncle has made him worry about knowing more things about our finances since I, too, have chronic health issues. He is interested in learning more about how things are managed.
Has anyone been in this situation and how has it gone? He said that he thinks he will be less of a “spender” if he knows more. He wants to completely separate our money and then pay half of the expenses. Any opinions or suggestions on this?
We are actually both “spenders” but I am a little less so..I satisfy my spending urges with rummage sales/thrift stores and getting great deals per the PYD website. He tends to want to buy things that we have nothing to show for later such as fast food, restaurants and beer!
It has been a GREAT JOY over the past few years… partnering with my husband on saving more and spending less on everything. It took him a while (crazy hard) to change, since I was the one who couldn’t buy anything without a “deal” or “price break” of some sort. One afternoon in the spring he called me from Kwik Trip where we stop for bread and milk… he said ‘Honey, isn’t butter at Walmart $1.98 it went up to $2.19 here that seems a little high.” (I started crying on the phone – he just laughed at me. I am SO proud of him for noticing the little things. EVERY PENNY COUNTS) He would have spent $300 dollars on a pair of sunglasses just a couple years ago and would have thought nothing about it. (not me are you crazy – dollar store here I come) I don’t think spending is bad or wrong but we are on a journey to get ourselves out of all of our debt – from student loans to credit cards.
It is hard to stay “committed”, this summer was difficult – I fell of the PYD wagon and started spending as we did before. Our budget took a drastic hit and our grocery bill alone went up by $200.00/month. A couple friends and I committed that this would be our week to get back on the band wagon and start saving. Our family has 6,188.61 to go to be back out of debt. ANYONE can do it – it is just one dollar at a time! :)
Thanks for continuing to inspire thousands of Americans to change their financial future and DREAM BIG. I’m Back on the wagon again!
Thanks for sharing! Thankfully my husband and I have no debt other than our mortgage, but we do want things we haven’t been able to afford – vacation trips, updating our home, new vehicle. Since I’ve started PYD in January, we’ve been able to start saving for these things & replace a depleted savings account. Another thing I’ve learned is to put a picture in your bathroom mirror of the goal that you have for yourself (for example, a trip to Disney – post a cut-out from a magazine) and that will help you visualize & work towards that goal.
I love this article! My husband and I are working toward paying off our house as we had done it previously and then had an investment fall through with a friend – BIG LESSON – never invest money with friends/family :)
Anyway, we have a plan and even use a mortgage calculator for us to more easily see it laid out. It really helps us to be disciplined and also dream about the future – a trip to China (our little boy starts Chinese immersion this fall), college expenses, etc.
Thanks for all that you do! We have really saved BIG money on groceries thanks to your website!
So how do you gals get your husband on board with the spending less moto? I’ve tried talking about it, not talking about it, fighting about it, begging him, giving him an allowance, showing him the spreadsheet…etc, etc. I don’t know if we’ll ever be on the same page about savings vs. spending money. In order for myself to feel secure about our future, the next step might be for us to just get separate accounts and pay 1/2 for everything that we share. Does anyone else do this? Any ideas or thoughts? Thanks!
Jennifer, I wonder if you could get him to listen to the Dave Ramsey cd’s. I’m the one who fought all this, not the budgeting but the Dave Ramsey course, etc. My husband begged me to stick with the course. I agreed as long as he promised not to argue about anything, just let me process. I read the book myself; he listened to the cd’s. After a few weeks, I was willing to set up a budget together. We did not put a number down in the budget on any category unless we agreed on the number.
We also switched to mint.com. I HATED Quicken-too complicated!!! Now that we are using software that I understand and can follow without his help, I am much more on board!
Neither of us are really spenders, we just were so discouraged that we didn’t know where to start.
When it comes to financial dreams, I recommend starting with baby steps, something small, like what is something you both want to save for that would only take a couple months to save for?
Once he sees the savings account grow or the rewards of saving, he may be more on board.
I somewhat recommend the book, “Love and Respect” by Eggerichs (sp?) It helps us communicate better about sensitive issues. I understand that Ryan needs respect. He understand that I need love and security. Dave Ramsey talks a little bit about that too in relation to money. Several times my husband has wanted to pay off the student loan, and I have always responded with, “I can’t handle not having an emergency fund, much less savings for budgeted expenses. After the Dave Ramsey course, my husband had much more understanding of why I wanted money in the bank, and I had was much more on board with budgeting and using cash only.
Hope that’s helpful.
Thanks for your ideas Julie! I’ll give em a try! :)
My husband and I have seperate “spending” accounts for our personal fun money, and then we have a joint house account. Our direct deposits are split between all three with amounts we’ve budgeted for and agreed upon. We only use the “house” account for groceries, house payments, and other things we’ve budgeted for and agreed upon. Anything extra – going out to eat, entertainment, etc. comes from our own personal spending accounts so when it’s gone, it’s gone. This has really worked well for us.